Danny Licht, culture editor
Americans often worry about China’s takeover of the world, but, unfortunately, many Americans don’t realize that the country is already being taken over — by spiders.
This international takeover scheme started in my room. A few months ago I was turning off a lamp when I noticed a black dot creeping and crawling across the ceiling. A skilled exterminator, I fetched a Post-it and taught that spider a lesson. But I then noticed another moving dot, and another and another and another.
I stepped back and realized what was going on: here, between a teak shelf and a cotton curtain in a teenage boy’s room in a suburban American home is the headquarters for an arachnid takeover of America.
Not only have I spotted a problem — a growing, cancerous problem — I have begun to fight it with my own two hands. With the help of copious amounts of Post-its, duct tape and toilet paper, I have valiantly tamped down my Woody Allenish squeamishness and begun to fight this war on terror all by myself.
My imaginary friends have gone so far to call me the Freedom Fighter, because I am braving these battles in the name of America and American Values and Freedom. They threw me a classified party, in which only I was invited. It was fun. There was dancing. (The mission and party have since been declassified.)
My parents shrug their shoulders, my grandparents laugh. Spiders are tiny, they tell me. Spiders aren’t even sentient. How could insects band together, not to mention throw a global coup?
Well, spiders are not insects, I remind them like the first-grade pedant I still am. Spiders are arachnids that are fully capable of teamwork and killing people with devil-venom, a truth I have invented all by myself. It is for this reason that I am weary and murderous whenever I see more than one spider, because it takes only two to tango and it takes only one tango to make spider babies.
I sometimes darkly dream of spiders ripping me out of bed like a heretic. I am the Jesus of the Movement Against Spiders Taking Away My Inalienable Rights-tianity. I want disciples and also to turn water to wine but I will take either. I am not picky. I want to stop this revolution before it gets out of hand, before that home-invading, bed-intruding species takes my life.
Join me in this brazen campaign — united we stand! Sure, there could be consequences, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. After all, this is America.