Jason Harward, graphics editor
Note: this piece is satirical and meant to be taken as such.
Some things in life are certain. Black Friday sales will begin in the middle of June. There will be a typo in a Highlights newspaper. And Wolf Blitzer will grace the screen during CNN’s election night coverage.
While this election has been unpredictable and oh-so entertaining (until you realize one of the two will be president), there is not a more meaningful end to a competition than the monotone Blitzer projecting a winner faster than Bernie Sanders can remind us of his average campaign donation (it’s $27).
But really, the beauty of this election is that everything is so, so tense. America is spiraling to a definite end. It’s like the series finale of an Emmy-nominated drama that has captivated the entire nation. Something is going to happen. What this election night should be about is relishing the final moments of sanity. Whatever happens, the country is going to go nuts.
When hosting a viewing party, it is important to be as neutral as possible by using advertisements from both sides. Use Hillary’s “forward” ads, such as this one, to direct guests to the living room, and away from your Blackberries. To let a “silent” majority of the country know that they are welcome in your home, place “Make America Great Again” hats on that leftover jack-o-lantern you definitely haven’t thrown away. And, most importantly, make everything purple. By everything, I mean EVERYTHING. Purple, a mix of red and blue, is the perfect color to show that you aren’t biased, until your actions tell your guests otherwise.
Also, be mindful of the food you serve. Under no circumstances should you serve Mexican food. (Or Spanish food, Trump supporters may get confused.) Really, just play it safe and serve white bread to let your guests get a feel for the candidates.
Finally, be prepared for whatever happens. At this point, Vermin Supreme could win and it wouldn’t surprise me. And remember, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Bonus tip: Post on Facebook! Are you even watching the election if you don’t share an election-centered meme? No, you’re not. Find some ideas, and at least 10 likes, here.
Bonus bonus tip: For fair, balanced and unafraid election coverage, watch Fox News.